My blogging friends who battle their children suffering with a wide range of both genetic and trauma induced behavioral issues can understand. Most people cannot.
My kids can go from little angels to absolute confusion in lightening speed. Their ability to coerce, manipulate, lie, and confound us has us reeling and speechless even after over 2 years of parenting them, accompanying them to therapists, psychiatrists, reading books, and leaning on each other. They still have the upper hand, the shock, the ability to knock us down on our butts and realize we have accomplished nothing. We may have even regressed. All our efforts have been only to comfort ourselves, and have not changed, modified, nor even remotely begun to make our children think any differently about their behvioral choices.
I could go into specifics. We had a weekend of much the same bad behavior, just repeatedly. We would have emotions, hugs, moments where we might have even given ourselves the glimmer of sincerity in their eyes. Then it goes away. Just like that.
It has spilled now into Jacob's school life. Not good. Next Dr. appt we will have to try a different medication.
So, we stare at ourselves alot. We scratch our heads and say, "what's next" "what now" "what can we possibly do to correct it".
We rationalize, we give dumbed-down speeches on the greatness of good citizenship and character and morality and religion. I've got some books ordered to help in those areas ( I hope ).
We say to ourselves "they dont think"... they will do something that 5 minutes ago just got them into trouble. Even the dog has better judgement than that. It's frustrating. We've spanked, we've touched toes, we've had noses on walls, books held out on hands, faces in corners, sitting on beds, running around the outside of the house, sentences...
We improve in one area, and the scales tilt, the pendulum swings, and we go back into having to deal with issues we thought we had already finished and moved on from.
Lent begins this week and I am giving up facebook, possibly blogging only once a week (as I do now). I need more time to focus on my family, to weed out the distractions of people who do not lift me up, who do not support my family and lend us strength. I am going to make sure I get back to spending my free time where it is needed and deserved, with Matthew and the kids.
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