Christmas. For us as well as other families in the world this is both a blessing and a curse. Our children do not handle it well. Most children (the RAD crown likes to refer to them as 'neuro-typical, or 'normally-adjusted') also have issues with the me-me-me paradox of the season.
We try to instill the religiousness and the meaning of blessings coming from love, but children are short-sighted.
Our children, however are not able to see the 'big picture'. They want the toys, the glitz, the quantity, like there is a race to be won with merchandising and commercial gluttony.
This year, however, I really want them to make a memory, and possibly even create a tradition they can take with them into their adulthood. We received our lists from DFCS of a boy and a girl, foster kiddos, and all of their sizes and wishes for Christmas.
I cannot say that I am not afraid, after all we are responsible now for two kiddos who need a good Christmas just to feel 'normal' in a society that sometimes forgets about their needs. So, me and my kiddos will be shopping together for them, picking out toys for them, giving love and care to toys we will not have the satisfaction to see enjoyed on Christmas morning.
I pray and hope for my own kids to see the beauty and blessing in sharing.
Friday morning, while Matthew had the day off and we enjoyed getting out together while the kiddos were at school, we went to morning Mass at OLPH. It was his first opportunity to go there at the same time all of the students from the school attended Mass, and the homily was about seeing Jesus in your neighbors, and all those you come across in this life.
I hope Jacob and Tabitha learn to see Jesus in this.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Monday, November 7, 2011
Monday Dismay
Last night we found Jacob had soiled himself (#2). Right after grandparents' visit. He tried to tell me today that it happened during Sunday School, but I could 100% tell him he was lying because after class we had Mass and he sits on me for most of it and I would have smelled it, just as I smelled it as he walked past me last night.
Ugh.
I found quite a bit of solace and support from my RAD moms and dads today, who told me that the cleaning out of a child's room is not punishment, but 'refocusing'. A lot of the older RAD children have to do this every few months, some even of their own accord, because having too many things around that hold no value to them can exacerbate the situation. Many of the parents were trying to tell me how calming it is for them to have an uncluttered space. Since they don't have normal attachments to toys this makes sense, although my frame of reference makes me think it is deprivation.
Oh well, we laugh and cry together.
We had traffic court tonight. You see, Matthew got a ticket on Rossville Blvd. a few months back for expired tags. We quickly remedied the offense, to the tune of $500 and then I called to see what all I could do to not have to appear in court.
The clerk told me in no uncertain terms the fine was $141 and that the court did not care if we had done the steps to get the car legal or not. I could not believe it!
After consulting with friends and relatives, they advised to go on to court and it would probably be overturned or the fine lessened. That made sense.
So, we got our receipts and new tags and all and headed to city court... what a waste! Judge was no use, giving no concern for the car(s) being made legal, and we still had to pay $141 fine. What is the use of that?
Ugh.
I found quite a bit of solace and support from my RAD moms and dads today, who told me that the cleaning out of a child's room is not punishment, but 'refocusing'. A lot of the older RAD children have to do this every few months, some even of their own accord, because having too many things around that hold no value to them can exacerbate the situation. Many of the parents were trying to tell me how calming it is for them to have an uncluttered space. Since they don't have normal attachments to toys this makes sense, although my frame of reference makes me think it is deprivation.
Oh well, we laugh and cry together.
We had traffic court tonight. You see, Matthew got a ticket on Rossville Blvd. a few months back for expired tags. We quickly remedied the offense, to the tune of $500 and then I called to see what all I could do to not have to appear in court.
The clerk told me in no uncertain terms the fine was $141 and that the court did not care if we had done the steps to get the car legal or not. I could not believe it!
After consulting with friends and relatives, they advised to go on to court and it would probably be overturned or the fine lessened. That made sense.
So, we got our receipts and new tags and all and headed to city court... what a waste! Judge was no use, giving no concern for the car(s) being made legal, and we still had to pay $141 fine. What is the use of that?
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Hurt People Hurt People
Hurt People Hurt People. One of my friends on FB who advocates for pro-life issues posted this today and I thought how well it correlated to my day.
We've cancelled Christmas for Tabitha. There, I said it. If you feel the need to come over and punch me, be my guest.
Upon cleaning out Tabitha's room to:
1)purge old books/toys in preparation of Christmas
2)do a deep cleaning
3)pack up toys to go to attic for bad behavior this week
we came across not one, not ten, but numerous dolls/toys/animals that had been destroyed.
Now, when I was a kid I wrote on things and cut dolls hair and generally practiced being as artistic as I could on things, but the key thing is I still enjoyed those toys. I cut Barbie's hair but it made her more of 'mine' that I had placed my mark on her and I enjoyed her more. Same with cabbage patch dolls bearing frankenstein-ian scars and dolls who got whore-ishly applied permanent makeup. Misguided, yes, but I never tossed these toys out after adulterating them, I was more endeared to them.
Tabitha refuses to see any intrinsic value or sentimentality assigned to her toys. Special things we've bought her on vacation at Disney World, trashed, sliced, cut, gutted. Special toys her grandparents bought that we've had countless conversations about their 'specialness'... same treatment.
We boxed everything salvageable which was one small bin and put it in the attic. Her room is a bed and a few books, placed out of reach so she can't harm them.
I know it's a RAD thing and the FB form is loaded with hundreds of people in this world who are parenting similarly challenged children. This is typical behavior for a RAD sufferer.
The worst thing is the guilt. The guilt you feel when other people hear one fraction of the story and make you feel completely inept.
It's not about us. We suffer all the more because we yearn to give then normal. We yearn for them to be able to handle normal, for them to desire it for themselves.
Jacob was doing so well yesterday through the process, we went through his books and toys too to make a huge donation to charity and he was great.
So great, I told him he could stay up as late as he wanted playing Mario. We had just bought him a Mario costume at Wal-Mart and he stayed in costume and played all night, a treat I would not mind giving him on the weekend, he is 8 after all.
This morning I open the door to tell him to take a nap prior to Church and find not only did he stay up all night, he refused to go to the bathroom and so his room smelled like a men's restroom, with little puddles spread across his room and once he helped clean it up I found where he had squirrelled away the costume and the soaked undies, trying to hide something we already knew occurred.
It is examples like that that prove that as much as we try to give them 'normal', to look past their RAD and want nice things for them, they can not handle it. Tabitha, who isn't even our food-sneaker had mounds of food refuse stuck behind her bed, along with animal voice boxes, stuffing, beads from the animals "guts". Her carpet had been drawn/scraped with crayons. She had shoes hid where the laces had been removed, after telling me the shoelace necklace she was wearing had been a gift from someone at school. The lies have no end.
The amount of disregard, the blatant lack of remorse. Their stoic expressions when confronted with these revelations is maddening.
I feel for those misguided parents whom decades ago tried that form of therapy where the older children were 'reborn' through physical ordeal. Children were hurt and I think one or two were actually killed through it, but I completely understand the concept of trying to free the child of their past and trying to get them to be see themselves as a new person. I am hoping the baptisms will do this for them.
We spoke with Fr. Liam yesterday and their baptisms will be after a set of classes to help them understand the sacrament. Because they are older children, they will be taught and instructed in the meaning and importance and I love that. I am looking forward to see if these classes will help them at home too.
We've cancelled Christmas for Tabitha. There, I said it. If you feel the need to come over and punch me, be my guest.
Upon cleaning out Tabitha's room to:
1)purge old books/toys in preparation of Christmas
2)do a deep cleaning
3)pack up toys to go to attic for bad behavior this week
we came across not one, not ten, but numerous dolls/toys/animals that had been destroyed.
Now, when I was a kid I wrote on things and cut dolls hair and generally practiced being as artistic as I could on things, but the key thing is I still enjoyed those toys. I cut Barbie's hair but it made her more of 'mine' that I had placed my mark on her and I enjoyed her more. Same with cabbage patch dolls bearing frankenstein-ian scars and dolls who got whore-ishly applied permanent makeup. Misguided, yes, but I never tossed these toys out after adulterating them, I was more endeared to them.
Tabitha refuses to see any intrinsic value or sentimentality assigned to her toys. Special things we've bought her on vacation at Disney World, trashed, sliced, cut, gutted. Special toys her grandparents bought that we've had countless conversations about their 'specialness'... same treatment.
We boxed everything salvageable which was one small bin and put it in the attic. Her room is a bed and a few books, placed out of reach so she can't harm them.
I know it's a RAD thing and the FB form is loaded with hundreds of people in this world who are parenting similarly challenged children. This is typical behavior for a RAD sufferer.
The worst thing is the guilt. The guilt you feel when other people hear one fraction of the story and make you feel completely inept.
It's not about us. We suffer all the more because we yearn to give then normal. We yearn for them to be able to handle normal, for them to desire it for themselves.
Jacob was doing so well yesterday through the process, we went through his books and toys too to make a huge donation to charity and he was great.
So great, I told him he could stay up as late as he wanted playing Mario. We had just bought him a Mario costume at Wal-Mart and he stayed in costume and played all night, a treat I would not mind giving him on the weekend, he is 8 after all.
This morning I open the door to tell him to take a nap prior to Church and find not only did he stay up all night, he refused to go to the bathroom and so his room smelled like a men's restroom, with little puddles spread across his room and once he helped clean it up I found where he had squirrelled away the costume and the soaked undies, trying to hide something we already knew occurred.
It is examples like that that prove that as much as we try to give them 'normal', to look past their RAD and want nice things for them, they can not handle it. Tabitha, who isn't even our food-sneaker had mounds of food refuse stuck behind her bed, along with animal voice boxes, stuffing, beads from the animals "guts". Her carpet had been drawn/scraped with crayons. She had shoes hid where the laces had been removed, after telling me the shoelace necklace she was wearing had been a gift from someone at school. The lies have no end.
The amount of disregard, the blatant lack of remorse. Their stoic expressions when confronted with these revelations is maddening.
I feel for those misguided parents whom decades ago tried that form of therapy where the older children were 'reborn' through physical ordeal. Children were hurt and I think one or two were actually killed through it, but I completely understand the concept of trying to free the child of their past and trying to get them to be see themselves as a new person. I am hoping the baptisms will do this for them.
We spoke with Fr. Liam yesterday and their baptisms will be after a set of classes to help them understand the sacrament. Because they are older children, they will be taught and instructed in the meaning and importance and I love that. I am looking forward to see if these classes will help them at home too.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)